Urbania, I hate you.
It wasn’t too long ago that we found ourselves escaping Toronto, driving west to a smaller city about an hour out. We followed this trail skyward and stood high above houses and streets that reminded me of game pieces -manipulateable.
I feel powerless in the city I (unfortunately) currently call home. I despise the landscape and can’t stand the people. My university town -Kingston -still holds my soul in its grasp. But, in the moments when I’m honest to myself, I recognize that it could be any town, so long as it remained uncorrupted by the forces of evil that are resplendent in urbane life.
Sure, Kingston had issues of its own. Among them, girls who dressed like clones -their lifestyle paid for by absent parents. But, like those reality television shows about California teens, they were too naive and innocent to be devastating. We could sort of laugh sardonically at their misplaced value system.
Besides, it had qualities that contributed and detracted from this small shortfall. Kindness, community, beauty, nature, love. It had this same kind of manipulateability that drew us into its heart rather than leaving us feeling like automatons. None of this exists in Toronto (be forewarned!), and I am growing exponentially weary of the people here.
I could write a manual on how to fit in, in this city. It would go something like this: Brand Yourself. Find a diet, an exercise regime, and a lifestyle du jour (extra points are given if any of these happen to appropriate a culture which is not yours by birth).
These people seem so desperate to be different within the confines of familiarity. But unlike the girls of the university town, there is a subtle hint of danger here. These are the people who were told, and who believe that they should inherit the Earth. They can’t see 5 inches past their Blackberries/Iphones because the said items are, quite literally, 5 inches away from their face.
Speaking of, I saw the most bizarre thing the other day, people comparing their mobile devices like the Business Card scene from American Psycho
I often stop myself from approaching someone on the subway and asking them in earnest “Are you for real?” I feel like an alien in this world. I can’t really relate to the lifestyle here, and I don’t want any part of it. Sometimes it makes me want to laugh, other times it really scares me.
How exactly did I end up in this Matrix?
March 15th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
I’m reading this and I hope that’s okay, because I am a coworker and admittedly it all seems a bit voyeuristic. Mainly know that I’m quite painfully introverted and for that reason love reading people’s writing: it helps me understand them, and myself a bit.
Anyway: I just wanted to say I get the sentiment here. I feel like a bit of an oddball in Toronto, when I walk the streets and try to pretend it’s home. I loved Kingston, too, as much as I loathed bits of it. I thought maybe for a while it was false sentimentalism, my loving and missing Kingston. But I haven’t been able to replicate that quiet, sated contentedness in this big grey city. If anything, it’s a bit painful.
I often joke that I want to drop it all and collect a pig and some chickens and maybe a cow and have a small garden in a little village and I would be happy. Right?
March 17th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Of course it’s OK! I’m the same way with blogs, so I’m glad you’re reading and relating.
I am probably being more melodramatic than is necessary when it comes to living in Toronto, but I tend to get frustrated by people’s behavior in the city -eg people not giving up their seats to the elderly on the bus, for example!
But it’s also the little things about Kingston that I miss. Yonge Street is a shoddy cousin to Princess Street, Noah’s health food store doesn’t have the kitchy, hippie charm that seemed to emanate so effortlessly from Tara’s.
I agree about the little village. I desperately want some animals and a garden to tend to. Have you been to Riverdale Farm? The sow there gave birth to at least 6 piglets recently. I went to see them yesterday and they’re getting huge. It’s a nice way to tide myself over for the time being until I get some land and critters of my own.
March 17th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
YES! I live a two-minute walk from Riverdale. (Part of the reason why I moved to this neighbourhood.) In the summer, it’s my haven. I was so happy when the sow gave birth and how they posted it on their website.
The market on Tuesday nights - it starts in mid-May - is wonderful. All the farmers are lovely people who will talk for hours about radishes and soil conditions.